A Wedding...

This weekend Matt and I were out of town at a wedding. It was beautiful, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

As I was sitting in the church listening to the priest it made me remember our wedding. We put a ton of thought into the ceremony and (even though this is completely bragging) we came up with a really great fit for our unique needs as a blended family.
Like most traditional weddings there was a primary focus on the husband and the wife, unlike many wedding ceremonies, this was a true hands on, family affair.

My mother-in-law, who is a Lutheran minister, presided over the service.
She spoke first to Matt and I and we solemnized our vows. Then, she spoke to the children and to me about the special bond we would share together. We also spoke vows and I gave each boy a ring (this seemed a little feminine to me, but the boys insisted they wanted the jewelry)
My mother in law even worked in a nice mention of the boys bond to their mother and step father who were guests at the wedding as well. It was beautiful, and I have said more than once that my mother in law should send the sermon she wrote in to a family magazine, it truly was the thing I remember the most from that day.

We were very kid focused about our wedding. It was clear to Matt and I that this was about more than just a couple coming together, it was about formally stating our commitment to becoming a family.

The commitment, however, was the only thing formal about the day!! We rented out a big red barn at a local farm, hired the best BBQ joint in town to cater, got a square dance caller, a few bales of hay, some cowboy hats and boots and had a big barn dance of a wedding. We even hired a specialty baker to make us a cake in the shape of a pig on a bale of hay with an apple in its mouth. The kids thought it was a blast and were happy to scamper around the farm in overalls instead of keeping clean in nice church clothes, and we were able to relax, eat and enjoy the day knowing that the kids and our families were just having a laid back good time.

I know most people wouldn't choose an extremely non-traditional wedding, but since we had both already had white weddings, we just went in a totally new direction. The theme of the day was much less important than the importance we placed on this being about all of us coming together as a family. I think that setting our foundation in this way has made it easier for the kids to feel like they belong with us just as much as they belong anywhere. They feel comfortable being a part of our marriage and feel included in the love.

We have many days when the closeness wears thin, or when I just plain need a break (or for the kids to get off my bed and watch TV elsewhere!) but it always comes down to us as a foursome. I am lucky to say that for the most part I miss them when they are with their mom, even though there are days when I am ready for them to head of the the other 50% of their custody arrangement. My marriage couldn't work if it wasn't a place for the boys to grow roots and thrive.

When I was younger weddings made me think of what I wanted out of life, when I was married to my first husband they used to make me think of the things that I didn't have, and now they make me feel profoundly grateful for the life I have been given.

Soccer, and the meaning of life.

So I was discovering the very funny and enjoyable http://wickedstepmom.blogspot.com/ and I read her post about becoming a soccer mom for the first time for her Bio Son. I tapped out a quick comment and it got me thinking... Soccer is the key to my life's happiness.

This sounds a bit strange, no? But I honestly believe it is true. When Matt and I were first dating, and it came time for me to meet the boys, I was invited to a soccer game that Maris was playing in. I thought it would be a cute and fun thing to do on a Sunday morning and hopped into the car completely ignorant of what awaited me.

The boy plays TRAVEL SOCCER which is apparently a religion. Although he was a mere 11 years old at the time it became clear from the moment we arrived that soccer is a kind of a HUGE FREAKING DEAL. My charming funny new boyfriend turned into a stressed out sports parent eagerly watching every strike, crossover, and goal attempt on the field. He paced, he cheered, he groaned, he spoke in hushed tones to other soccer dads, and he forgot I was there.

You may think it was a total turn off to be abandoned at a soccer field I had never been to in the middle of a gaggle of moms who took one look at this young chick in heels and instantly assumed that I was a life long tramp and not just an idiot who didn't know anything about soccer game appropriate footwear... well at first it was, but as I wasn't talking to anyone, I got a chance to watch Matt in action as a parent and I think I began to realize right there on that field that this was indeed not just a charming, funny boyfriend, but a real life, honest to god, good man. He was completely focused on his kid and their common interest of this sport. He wanted to know what the coach had said to him, how he felt about the game, the ref, his own performance. He wasn't being a tacky, pushy, sports parent, he was involved! He really cared! I though these men only existed in magazines.

So I kept going to games. I realized that tennis shoes were the right shoes, that folding chairs were a godsend that deserved permanent residency in the trunk of my car, and that a blanket and a hot cup of coffee on a windy day were just this side of heaven. I learned, a little, about what was going on in the game, how obnoxious OTHER children's parents/coaches could be and that if you try to impress 11year old boy with a snack in a Fancy bag tied with ribbon, you not only fail to impress them, but you waste an evening that you could have enjoyed and you irritate the poor little buggers trying to eat snack.

It was on the sidelines of these games, without the boyfriend to talk to that I found myself sitting next to Matt's ex-wife. Awkward as it could have been she was the softer option... the other mommies just assumed I was a home wreaking hussy and were none to warm. Besides, she seemed funny, and she didn't bite.

Superficial conversations turned to talks about the boys and we realized that our common interest gave us a lot to talk about. I can not express my gratitude for the lack of suspicion with which she greeted my motives, or the outright empathy she had for me when I was the recipient of occasional sassy comments from her offspring, or just suffering from over-scheduleitis. I had no right to expect a perfect stranger to move over on the parent bench and pat the seat beside her, but holy cow! That is what happened.

It wasn't instant, it was a trust that has built over years, but in a very real way it is as important to the success of my blended family as the love I hold for the three Ravenstahls that complete my life. How could my boys be happy in a home run by a woman who made them feel uncomfortable about having a mom? I can be a shallow, temperamental person from time to time, it could have gone either way. I would have been (in my youthful ignorance of blended life) just as happy to return unkind gestures, I suppose. Instead I was able to return positive actions in kind and assure the kids with actions that I knew and valued their mom and her primary parenting role. The grace that made that healthy bio to step mom relationship possible is a big part of the happiness I have in my life.

She and I, along with Matt and the nice moms from our awesome team (not the same as the first one) stood together this weekend and cheered our guts out... probably embarrassing the crap out of the 14, nearly 15 year old players we were there to suport.

This is the life I never knew I always wanted... and it's all because of Soccer.

Back to School Night

Last night was back to school night for my youngest step-son. I was supposed to be in grad school and wasn't going to attend... actually, I have never been to one, feeling that Matt and Laura probably have this covered, but I got let out early, and Matt asked me to come.

I have to say that even though Laura has never made me feel like a trespasser with her children, I did feel like a bit of a heel walking in... I sometimes wonder how I would feel if I was a bio-mom who had to live a life that involved a step mom. I don't know if I would be as welcoming as she is.

Still, I walked in and sat down with Laura, Matt and Seth's best bud's dad, Stan.

I get so paranoid at after school events that involve parents. I always feel like I am an instantly recognizably step-parent and that all the other "real moms" must instantly dislike me... silly, I know. No one has ever been mean to me or made me feel unwelcome outside of my own head.

So we went through the night as a foursome until Stan headed to his kid's room and the three of us went to Seth's room.

Laura signed up for conferences. I won't go, I really do feel like this is for the two of them and that I can handle a supporting role better. After sign up, we all three of us crowded around the desk of our fifth grader and read some of his poetry and the goals he had set for his year. He has such an amazing sense of humor and discipline!!

We listened to the teacher talk and I felt really proud of Seth as she outlined her expectations and I became convinced that he was up for the challenge. Laura and Matt included me effortlessly into this yearly ritual and I loved it. I feel honored to be part of such a family and proud to be pitching in to raise such a great guy. I am looking forward to getting to Maris's back to school night now.

We have lived together for a long time and been an official family for more than a year, and it feels more and more like a genuine family every day. I have always loved the kids, like I love all cute funny little people, but watching them grow for the last four years that has deepened into something much more.

I never thought that being married or not would affect the bond I have with the kids, but I can see now that it has given them a sense of permanence and trust that has strengthened our relationship in many positive ways.

I know it sounds all gooey and sunshiney... believe me there have been many hurt feelings, frustrations and dark days. The big picture, however, is a family life FULL of people that mean a lot to me. I couldn't imagine my life without them.

A New View

With the world of family expansion being such a complicated place, we took a vote and decided to change our perspective on blogging and talk about the things that we do best, instead of the arduous struggle side of things.
Our defining characteristic is that we are a blended family made up of pieces of other original set-ups, and we fit together in some pretty great ways.
While we will persue the expansion of our family, we are wiser and a bit more circumspect than before and will be pursuing it on the "down-low" so to speak.
We are more focused on what is here and now... taking life one day at a time. We can't wait to meet more bloggers in the world of blended families!!!!